Regrets. A Paper.

Just thought I'd share this with you guys. Compare niyo sa previous blog ko, and tell me what you think.

*******

REGRETS

by AJ Mendoza

It was a warm Saturday night. Though way past midnight, Miguel didn’t feel any sleep coming to him. Seated on his study chair and arched over his book, he found it hard to concentrate with Caloy’s loud snoring. He gazed at his roommate, sleeping soundly, snoring his way to a week’s worth of sleep. Caloy just took his last of four exams earlier that day, and by the sound of it, he’s making the most of his much needed rest. Miguel stood from the table, turned off the ceiling light, and then reseated himself. At least one of us gets a break from everything, he thought.

He felt his sweat tracing his brows. Wiping his forehead, he tried to get back to his reading; he’s been on the same page for the last half hour. This is hopeless, he thought, catching himself try to stifle a yawn. Finally, sleep’s catching up on him. Surveying the dismal state of his room, with crumpled papers strewn all over the floor, unwashed Tupperware collecting mold and dust on Caloy’s table, and soiled clothes hanging limply on the hooks of their closets, he shook his head, turned off the study lamp, and made his way to bed. In the darkness, he whispered a short prayer. But he couldn’t close his eyes. He still had a lot of things on his mind, and it’s keeping him from a sound sleep.

By the looks of things, he was failing, and it scared him. No, he wasn’t grade-conscious; all that he needed was to pass. What bothered him was his scholarship: his life support, the thing that’s been keeping him in the university for the past two semesters, the life line that’s being threatened to end if he fails. He couldn’t afford to lose that scholarship and get booted from the university. He couldn’t afford to tell his mother; he just couldn’t let her down.

If only he hadn’t left. If only he wasn’t a coward. If only… The thought of his father made his blood boil, and the pang of anger consumed him, bit by bit. Having left them for another woman was one thing, but leaving them without any form of support was another, something much more infuriating. Miguel was left to take care of his mother at the tender age of twelve, and he wasn’t at all prepared for the responsibility, especially when he found out his mother had cancer.

The thought of his mother brought a wave of sadness to him. He could feel his eyes smarting, and shut them tight to keep himself from crying. He remembered that day he was to leave for Manila, the tight hug she gave him, the words she whispered in his ear: I know it’s going to be hard. But just hang in there. Everything’s going to be alright. No regrets, OK? It’s been months since he last saw her, and he knows her health is nowhere near improving. It’s just a matter of time now, he whispered to himself.

Passing the UPCAT was something he didn’t anticipate his entire life. He was hesitant to get into UP Diliman; would he be able to fit in? He was from the province, and knew how different his upbringing was compared to the coños of the city. He wasn’t that smart either, and wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep up with the others. And yet his mother’s reassurance made him feel at ease, though every night he contemplated whether the decision of leaving her for UP was right.

Miguel stood up and turned on his study lamp. Seating himself comfortably on his chair, he gazed once again at the book he was trying to read. For mother, he thought, to make up for not being with her.

His phone rang. Miguel answered it, and heard his aunt’s voice. Just the tremor in her voice, how the words choked her, how every sentence was cut short by sobs, had told Miguel what had happened. Her words were inaudible now, drowned by Miguel’s sobs that threatened to stifle him.

Caloy stirred in his sleep, and spoke indistinctly, talking in his dream. Everything’s going to be alright. No regrets, OK?