Summer Blurb : Waiting for Bearhugs, Missing Bullfights, and Hoping that He's Just Another Monch in My Life

Hey There Delilah - Plain White T’s Music Codes

Just got off a YM conference with my Team Building classmates. Gosh, I missed them so much. It was just a spur-of-the-moment thing; shame not everyone got to join. Oh well. You can't have everything you want in this life. At least I got to talk to some of them, if not all. And I had fun, too; it was quite a long conversation, with not a single topic sustained. I nearly rolled on the floor laughing, what with the comments and jokes and birits everybody keeps inserting into the open conversation. Sigh. I wanna do it again. But this time, I want everybody to be present. Sigh.

Thanks to Jed, Steph, Esther, Blanch, Sieg, Rollie, Cid, Ponyang, Kuya Rene, and Terry for an online evening full of laughs.

I had fun. Sa uulitin.

*****

Haha. I still can't get over Sieg's birit on bull fights and the Mediterranean Sea. Yes, Sieg, one day we will go to Spain, and we'll roll over the Mediterranean Sea and watch bull fights. We could ask all our classmates to come with us, too. Then we'll go with Kai to France, and then ask Kuya Rene to take us to Italy.

Or I can just stay here in Davao, and pretend nothing ever happened.

I wish I can finally be contented with Davao. But no matter how I try, I still keep looking for UP.

I think I've fallen in love with UP.

*****

I suddenly remembered what Rachel told me this afternoon. She read my previous blog, and asked me about the last part. She told me she had the same experience. It was a big sigh of relief, knowing that the same thing had happened to her and that I wasn't being silly for believing in such things. But the best part was this. "Naging kami."

I'm going to see him, after all. One of these days. Our paths will cross.

I'm still hoping. One of these days.

I'm still waiting.

*****

I have one of those pictures.

It used to be my wallpaper.

But I changed it.

Because I didn't know.

Because I had to.

*****

I am reminded of the hug that escaped me. Of the bear I lost. Of the bear hug that never was.

It's funny, how we came up with it. Me, Terry, and Jed. Fooling around with talks about love and all things related. About how we would know if we had fallen in love. About how we deal with love itself. About what we would look for in someone.

I told them all I wanted was a bear hug. Simple, yet so hard to find. That one single hug that could change everything.

A bear hug. I needed one. But I couldn't find one good enough for me.

*****

He smokes.

He smokes.

I hate smoke.

Does that make me hate Him, too?

*****

Now I know what moving on really is.

I got to have a simple conversation over the text line with Monch, something that would have been inconceivable months ago.

He was my primary source of pain and grief, my first semester; he was everything that was, my joy and pain, my laughter and tears, my hope and fear. I hated him so much, yet loved him dearly, both at the same time.

I knew I had to let go, knew I had to separate myself from him before it becomes too late for me to be able to turn my back. And I did. Or so I thought. Yes, I was apart from him physically, but not a day passed by that I thought of him, that I wondered about all the what if's and maybes. Having to let go was painful enough, but it was the separation that was killing me.

I never really thought I'd get over him. But then, after that simple exchange of messages, I'm glad to say I've moved on. I still hold him to be dear to me; yes, I still love him. But at least now I know the extent of that love I have for him.

Now if only it was that easy, with what I'm going through right now.

I wish, and I hope, and I pray. Please. Please. Please.

Let him be just another Monch in my life.

-pau(L)otzki